The Illusion
It was July 29, 1989, my son was only 8 months old, and I was walking down the aisle in my white dress. Yup! I was getting married. I was marrying the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, simply because he was the father of my child.
But let me take you back three years prior. When my ex-husband, whom I’ll call Jimmy, and I started dating, we had one of the most unhealthy and volatile relationships you’ve ever witnessed. We broke up and got back together so many times it was unreal.
When I got pregnant with my son, I figured this was it, we were getting married. I declared it, and it was so. The problem with making that declaration was that I was under the impression that marriage and a baby had the power to change or convert a man into a responsible father and husband.
The Turning Point
By July 2, 1991, my divorce was final!
So, what did it for me? Was it the day Jimmy held my face down on the bed because he was tired of my mouth? Because I dared to ask him where he was going.
Or maybe it was the multiple affairs, the STDs, the bounced checks, and the unnecessary spending, to name a few.
Owning My Part
Or perhaps I had to own it and ask myself the hard questions:
“Why did I have these expectations of him?”
“What evidence did I have that he could meet any of the expectations I had of him?”
This is not a “let’s bash the ex” piece, because looking at the situation, we could draw the conclusion that he was a bad person. But here is the more difficult part: what did it say about me at the time?
When a relationship ends, we owe it to our future selves to get the mirror out and truly reflect on how we contributed to the demise of the relationship. I know self-reflection isn't the easiest thing to do. So, I had to pull up my big girl panties and ask myself: “What did I overlook, excuse away, or ignore?” He was unfaithful before we got married, so why did I expect anything different?
Moving Forward
There was a season of rebellion from our son, and he blamed me for the divorce, even though he was only two at the time. Yet, I never felt the need to defend myself, because I knew time and his maturity would eventually vindicate me in his eyes.
Here’s what I hope you take away from this short piece: the moment I got real with myself, it spurred me into action. I filed for my own divorce and bankruptcy during that time. I learned how to advocate for myself and my son in court.
It took a village; my mom and step-father stepped up and helped me with relocating to another country. It was then I decided to do life alone. But God apparently had other plans…and His plans are always perfect.
Karen Williams, Relationship Coach
Author | Speaker | Podcast Host | Blogger
Founder, Karen Williams Coaching
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