Trust The Process...

It's been a minute since I've posted an article - it's definitely overdue. So much going on around us, uncertainties of work, injustices, a pandemic, unfair treatment and discrimination.

With the pandemic still lingering, most of us have developed ways to deal with our new normal in a post-Covid-19 world.  While this disease have echoed around the globe and changed all of our lives in some way or another, there are some diseases that simply will not go away. 

The disease of hate, which is at the root of racism have been around since Cain killed his brother Abel. Now, I'm not about to go through racism and it's origins, and definitions to make my point here - I'll give you the benefit of the doubt with a combination of historical data to conclude your definition of racism and hate.

My focus in this blog entry is how the death of Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor and George Floyd have affected me. The depth of pain I have felt and still feels, as I process it all. 

Ahmaud Arbery:  When I first learned of Ahmaud's death, I happen to come across a short facebook post someone shared, demanding justice for Ahmaud. This was around mid-April, I was home under quarantine and therefore had some time to follow social media and current events. I learned Ahmaud had been killed since Februrary twenty third and his killers were not charged, and they were no plans to do so. That bothered me!!

Learning there was video footage of him losing his life, of which I could only watch a fraction, I immediately thought of his mother. As a mom of four African American young men and wife to a African American man, the pain immediately found a home in my heart. Ahmaud is was the same age as my youngest son, Jordan. The nature of his death and how it was carried out, thrusted it's pain to the core of my being. I processed with my son and listened to his pain. He resigned in his heart and mind and said, "Mom that could have been any one of us." We both wondered a loud how this country had arrived at this place, and quickly remembered America's brutal history and seeds of evil that was planted, of which we now see it's harvest.  Ahmaud's death made my heart sick with sadness.

Breonna Taylor: Shortly after learning of Ahmaud's death, I saw a tweet from the police union in Louisville, Kentucky condemning a local judge for releasing a cop killer on his own recognizance. Well, that was really strange, why would a judge do that, I wondered. I later learned the young man was Breonna Taylor's partner, who wounded a police officer who served a "no knock" warrant at their home. Breonna was killed as she laid in bed in their home - her partner's arrest was hard for me; because I have a healthy fear of being arrested and imprisoned for a crime I didn't commit.

I thought how his arrest robbed him and Breonna's family of the right to grieve her death. I demanded justice for her killing through petitions and emails as I connect with grasssroots organizations pushing for change. Her killing angered me, because our home is, or supposed to be, where we have a reasonable expectation of safety.

George Floyd: Just when I caught my breath, my psyche was hijacked with the murder of George Floyd - killed live on video, for all the world to see. In my opinion, George's killing was worse than any of the killings I have seen in recent and distant past.  It's different when it's a blurry surveillance photo, or a distant video void of sound. Not George's, his pleas for help will forever ring in the air - his cry for his mother who passed away two years ago, will forever ring in the halls of my heart and mind. I cried as if George Floyd was a family member - I didn't need to think, my body simply reacted to the pain and grief.

Like Ahmaud's video, I was not able to watch it in it's entirety. However, his death was somehow climatic and a monumental moment for me. As I type this entry, I fan the tears from my eyes, I fight back the urge to raise my voice and HOLLER!!!!!!! 

I called my girlfriend Nichole, a licensed therapist to help me process what I was feeling. I called on God, Who promised to be there with me in the midst of trouble. I told God I can't see through my tears - I watched Maranda Curtis Live in Canada, to get my mind right. I needed to focus on God Who loves me and isn't moved by my weaknesses, or my screams and my demands for an explanation!

As Christians we know the battle starts in the mind, and should take our thoughts captive. Knowing this battle isn't against flesh and blood, I still had to guard my heart with all diligence - I have to watch and be on guard as to where my feelings and emotions are taking me. 

I have moments when I throw up my hands, give in to the pain, the anger, the fear, the disgust, the cynicism and the exhaustion.  You might wonder how do you feel those things not knowing who these people are - those who question that, its there that the problem begins.  Until you and I feel for each other, empathize with our society around us,  to the point where it moves us to action there will not be any change in our society. I am not suggesting we take on every cause that shows up on the evening news, or invest in every charity. At the same time I challenge you to check your thinking when you hear of someone that's been hurt or killed unjustly. I challenge you to check your own heart, are you guarding it with all diligence, knowing that from it the issues of life flows?

Let me conclude with this, Hebrews 4:15 nothing takes God by surprise. He knows how much pain this world and it's sin have shaped us and tries to destroy us - Jesus gets it. Yet, I encourage you to Guard your heart don't allow hate in - feel your grief, I too am still grieving and processing. However, if the enemy of our souls gains a hold of our hearts and minds, we will never see the equality and justice we seek. Dr Martin Luther King, Jr and other civil rights leaders through their tireles work, changed laws - my prayer, this generation will change hearts.