Marriage and Mental Health: 7 Tips to Benefit your Marriage as well as Your Mental Health!

As you may know the month of May is Mental Health Awareness Month. In my last blog I shared how to address the issue of loneliness in your marriage. We are going to continue on the same mental health path, and share seven (7) tips we can use as married couples, to maintain our mental health while enjoying our marriage relationship.  First, God already have your back, there are multiple references in scripture that illustrates how God feels about marriage. The fact that marriage is modeled after Christ’s relationship with the Church, should give us hope.

But also, the stats are in your favor.  According to Harvard Medical School: Health Publishing, November 30, 2016 article, “Mental health is better when you're married. Poor social supports (as might be more likely for those who are single) have been strongly linked with higher rates of depression, loneliness, and social isolation, which have in turn been associated with poorer health outcomes.” (Assuming you are in a loving and emotionally healthy marriage relationship.)

1.       Values/Morals: If you have been married for any length of time, it’s not uncommon for your values and opinions to start differ from your spouse.  However, they shouldn’t differ so much that it throws your relationship into a tailspin. (Major differences in values and morals should have been discussed during premarital education during courtship.)  Some couples have learned in this recent political climate, that their worldview and views on social issues are very different from that of their spouse. While these topics will ignite robust conversations or intense fellowships, never forget you are both on the same team!  Next, settle the fact that God’s Word have the final say and should be your moral compass.  Then, if needed, solicit our help; as Coaches we are trained to help couples navigate difficult conversations and provide tools that help with conflict resolution.  We will help you stay focused on the problem and its solution and not each other.  Couples with aligned moral compasses, creates a mentally healthy environment where robust conversations can be had, without the fear of judgment or blame.

 

2.       Love Language: We have learned in recent years from by Gary Chapman’s “The 5 Love Languages”, we each receive and interpret love differently. As a result, we all have a dominant love language, which can change over time. About ten years into my marriage, I discovered my love language had changed.  Did yours changed since you’ve been married? If it has, have you communicated that to your spouse? When I met my husband over thirty years ago, my love language was receiving gifts. When he traveled for work, I loved when he bought me gifts because it tells me he was thinking about me.  As the years went on and our life changed, he didn’t travel as much and the children commanded our attention, quality time became more important to me.  Here are some action steps you could take to start that conversation:

a.       Communicate if you feel your love language have changed.  

b.       Be specific about what works and what doesn’t.

c.       Be open to learn how your spouse’s love language may have  

also changed.

 

If your spouse doesn’t know your love language changed, they may be missing the mark and have no idea why. That can lead to sadness and bouts of depression, which becomes problematic for your overall mental health.

 

3.       Try something new: You must admit, trying new things often bring new levels of excitement to any relationship. It keeps your relationship fresh! Also, trying new things improves your mental health as your brain is being forced to think – which creates room for creative stimulation. Staying stuck in the same daily routines result in boredom and even resentment.  Some couples grow annoyed with each other because one may not have the desire to pursue anything outside of his or her comfort zone.  Finances can sometime make trying new things a bit challenging. However, learning something new about your town or city each week or each month, can be a more cost-effective option. How about trying a new restaurant or something new on the menu of your favorite restaurant? Healthy married couples try new sex positions to keep their relationship spicey! But these ideas must be communicated to each other to get the outcomes you are hoping for.

4.       Stay Consistent:  Being consistent doesn't mean rigidity, while the methods may change the ideas should not. Here's what I mean by that, if you maintain a healthy lifestyle while you were dating your spouse; he or she will expect you to continue doing that when you get married. Being consistent is also doing what you say. If you promised to take your spouse out for dinner, pick up the kids or fix the leaky faucet – the expectation is that you will do what you said.

When married couples consistently break promises, it can threaten the safety, security and erode the trust you're attempting to build. Therefore, stay consistent with your words and deeds.  How does remaining consistent help your spouse's mental health? Glad you asked! Your spouse will rest knowing you have his or her back and you are reliable.  

 

5.       Do the unexpected:  After a long day, if your spouse is the one who normally plans dinner suddenly learns you have already made plans for dinner.  That is a perfect example of unexpected, that is a nice surprise for your spouse. My husband does the grocery shopping, and sometime he buys my favorite dessert or something I won’t often buy for myself. It brings me joy and reminds me he’s thinking about me, and considers me. Doing the unexpected helps to build trust and increases attraction between each other.  It helps with our mental health by refocusing our thoughts and minimize some of the frustrations towards the daily mundane tasks and routines.

 

6.       Alone time: It is imperative for our mental health to spend time alone. Regardless of what that looks like, we have to honor our spouse’s time alone.  After speaking with a young couple, I recently learned there are wellness professionals steering couples away from time alone.  Though Jesus wasn't married, He took time away from his disciples and those around Him, to reconnect with his Father and apply self-care.  I encourage you to communicate with your spouse when you need some time away, to avoid any schedule conflicts. Never guilt him or her into feeling badly for needing that time independent of you.  Alone time could look like this:

a.       Gym time

b.       Reading a book

c.       Time with the guys (golf, basketball, trip, etc.)

d.       Time with the girls (Stylist, shopping, brunch, lunch, trip, shower, etc.)

e.       Meditation

f.        Yoga

g.       Solace

h.       Sabbaticals

 

7.       Finally, dates:   Make space and time for each other. It’s important to have meaningful connection with each other, to include good conversations that doesn’t include the work, the kids, the in-laws or bills.  If you're out on a date or at home during a designated "us time" – silence the phones and other distractions!  Remain engaged and participate in the date.  They contribute to healthy mental health by helping us refocus on each other, shutting out the stresses of everyday responsibilities! Here are some ideas for a date night based on your budget:  

 

a.       game night/movie night

b.      charter a private jet and fly to another city for one meal and a leisurely stroll in a city park

c.       share a home cooked meal

d.      book a limo and feed each other chocolate covered “anything” on the way to a concert or a play

e.       order in a pizza and share a bottle of wine

f.        schedule a wine tasting and tour of a nearby winery

g.       conversation cards – order from our trusted friends at https://www.instagram.com/elevaterelationships/

h.      schedule a helicopter ride over your city at dusk before sunset

Tip: a movie night together is not a bad idea; however, it does not allow space for a lot of conversation between you and your spouse. Consider that when planning your next date.

Carry these tips into the next months and beyond, use them to help keep your marriage healthy and your mental health sound. Reach out to us here at Coach4Life http://www.coach4lifellc.com/  we encourage you to add these tips to your arsenal as you continue on your relationship journey.