Married and Alone: How to Start Addressing Loneliness in your Marriage

  

We all know or have heard of couples who are married yet are lonely. Some single individuals have taken the position that they will not get married, out of fear of being married and alone.  Having some occasional moments or feelings of loneliness is quite normal.  Addressing it, like any other issue, should be taken seriously and tackled at its root. There are a lot of reasons why couples feel lonely in their marriage relationship. However, before addressing what might be wrong with your spouse, use these four challenging questions to do a self-inventory.

1.       Do I have any interest outside of this relationship?  Bills and other adult responsibilities start right after the wedding.  Therefore, neither of you will be spending every free moment together.  Having healthy interest outside of your marriage relationship is both healthy and very necessary, yet done with some moderation. Those moments can create opportunities for healthy influences, new perspectives and ideas that can spark conversations in your own relationship. Think, do you find yourself saying “no” to most invitations for lunch? Recall the things you liked doing on your own and with friends, before you got married; then see how you could incorporate your spouse into those activities.

2.       Have I been showing up as my authentic self? Did you pretend to accept his six days per week gym time? Why did you think she would stop having weekly brunch with her girlfriends? Why did you think he would stop spending evenings with his siblings every day after work?  Were you accepting of the hours he served at church, but now not so much? Consider whether or not you have changed – your authentic self suddenly showing up can unearth feelings that were hidden while dating or earlier in the marriage.

3.       Have I communicated my needs to my spouse? Does your spouse know you are having feelings of loneliness? Communication is the first and most important step. Your spouse may not realize his or her behavior affects you that way and may be willing to make some adjustments. Pretending to accept your spouse’s behavior and mask your disapproval as loneliness is not only passive aggressive communication; but it’s manipulative. Express your thoughts about the situation and discuss a healthy compromise that will be helpful for both of you.  If you are having a hard time finding a healthy compromise, seek out the advice of a Marriage Coach to help you with charting out a course for next steps.

4.       Finally, are my thoughts and feelings of loneliness based in facts? Am I really lonely or are there other agents at play here?  Rule out any emotional or mental health concerns.  Write down on paper exactly why you are feeling lonely. Consider how you do spend your time together – what does your conversations look like? How do you stimulate each other’s intellect? What does fun look like for you alone and together? Did you have feelings of loneliness prior to getting married? If so, how did you deal with it?

Even in a healthy marriage at some point one or both parties may experience feelings of loneliness. Often times one spouse has a more challenging, or mentally taxing career than the other, and may require more time away from home. Sometimes, it’s as simple as one spouse needs alone time with their thoughts. However, to arrive at a conclusion both spouses must start with a conversation.

If you are in a marriage relationship and finding it difficult to navigate the conversation around thoughts of loneliness, schedule a consultation with us and learn how we can help. Visit our website  Coach4Life, LLC to get started.

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