Should Marriages have Boundaries?

 

 by Karen Williams

I recently asked this question in a marriage forum, and you would think I ask to sacrifice their first born. It was received, by the majority, with offense. Interestingly enough, the husbands had the most input.  The conversation around boundaries is becoming more and more commonplace.  As we individually become more enlightened to what healthy relationships should look like, the topic will remain at the forefront of communication and conflict resolution discussion. While there are some who do not believe boundaries should exist in marriages, you have to determine what’s healthy for you.

What is a boundary?

A boundary is simply your signal to other people, communicating how you want to be treated. So why would a married couple have difficulty establishing boundaries? Or feel resentful if their mate establishes their own?  Great questions.

Are boundaries really necessary?

Boundaries are absolutely necessary! First, being married doesn’t mean you stop being yourself, nor does it mean the destiny and calling that God placed on your life no longer exist. On the contrary, because I believe, that is part of the whole purpose of marriage.  Why would God link you with someone who is going to stifle your dreams and goals? God, I believe, is always focusing on you and I living out our gifts and calling to the fullest, because that’s what brings Him glory. In John 10:10, Jesus said, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full”

Areas of your marriage where boundaries are necessary:

·         Communication: Requiring your mate to speak to you with respect is a boundary.  If your spouses’ tone, method or reactions during conflict makes you feel unsafe, it’s time to implement boundaries. The conversation could sound like this, “When you speak to me that way, I feel disrespected.” Honoring each other with your words is necessary for building a safe space for the marriage to thrive – marriage is a partnership NOT a dictatorship.

 

·         Personal Time: Assuming you are in a healthy marriage, honor your spouses’ alone time, his/her time with friends or other interests outside of you. The boundaries, or parameters, around what that would look like for your marriage, is a mutual decision between the two of you.  My husband Rob, doesn’t take issue with me hanging out with my friends for lunch or the occasional girls’ trip. However, a girls’ trip every weekend, he might have something to say about that.  Why? Because the frequency of being away every weekend would infringe on our time together. Boundaries are not implemented to impede or obstruct your responsibility to your marriage; so, you have to strike a healthy balance.  There are couples who say they want to be with their spouse 24/7 – because they are each other’s best friend.  I subscribe to that, but only in part – alone time is necessary to gain your own personal clarity and strengthen you mentally, so you emerge better to serve your marriage well.  

 

·         Family of Origin: We all at some point had to establish boundaries with at least one family member from our spouses’ family. If not, then you’re in the minority. Couples should require extended family to respect privacy, guidelines surrounding financial assistance, how you parent and the overall running of your household.  Couples struggle in these areas; I have seen marriages dissolve as a result; because some are unaware of how to establish healthy boundaries with families of origin. The Word of God supported boundaries in marriages from the beginning. Genesis 2:24 - Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh.

 

·     Work: As a relationship coach, my work demands the strictest of confidentiality. I have a work boundary with my clients, of which I cannot violate. That means my husband cannot peruse my laptop and phone whenever he wants to, because my clients’ personal information is stored there.  Lately social media is being flooded with memes, there are podcast discussions and videos all poking fun at couples and their relationship with their partners’ phones.  Should you or should you not have access to your mate’s electronic devices? This is a boundary that I believe, should be discussed; it will depend on the dynamic of the relationship and most importantly the motive behind the boundary. Although my husband doesn’t peruse my electronics, he is granted access – therefore trust must be fundamental. If you are at home and your phone rings, and you have to run at break neck speed to get to your phone before your spouse does – we should talk.

How are your boundaries?

Think back to the simple definition of a boundary, making it plain how you would like to be treated and requiring that from your spouse is healthy and necessary. Wanting to implement boundaries can be met with pushback and conflict. Consider the following questions:

·         Do you feel guilt, fear or resentment when you have to assert your boundaries?

·         Are you overly concerned about how saying “NO” will affect your spouse?

·         Do you feel your spouse guilts you when you try to implement boundaries?

·         Does your spouse respect your boundaries?

·         In your marriage, are you free to say yes, no and share your thoughts, without fear of repercussions or backlash?

·         Does your spouse withdraw intimacy when you implement boundaries?

If you answer yes to any one of these questions, I can help you.  I have been helping couples for way over a decade, navigate conflict and providing tools for conflict resolution. I am to inviting you to schedule a FREE consultation. Then click here to access my free worksheet, available for immediate download. 

Married or not, you are responsible for when you say yes and how you say no – it’s your life – take control.

 

Karen Williams is a Board-Certified Professional Christian Marriage and Relationship Coach and the Founder of Coach4Life ™

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“…changing lives, one relationship at a time.”